There once was a cucumber, a stick, and a dick. The cucumber said, "I have a terrible life. People cut me up and eat me."
The stick shook his head and said, "My life is worse. People cut me up and burn me!"
The dick shook his head and said, "I had the worse life out of either one of you. People shove me in a dark room and make me do push-ups until I throw-up."